Finding gratitude in darkness

I wrote in my journal for the first time in a while and a rush of emotions came over me. Is this what I have been missing by silencing my words? The start of November has broken me down lower than I thought was possible. Despite that I find myself sitting with gratitude. Gratitude….Why do I feel gratitude? I want to scream, cry, burn my whole life down and then dig a hole in the earth, lay down in it and maybe cry some more and sleep until spring. Yet, here I am sitting in gratitude, WTF.

What are my gifts in gratitude this season of my life? What can I give to others when I feel so dark. Can I be the light for them in their darkest moments? Can I share a smile and remind them that this is temporary, spring will come again? Can I just sit with them and hold space for healing?

What are the things that really matter in this life? For me in this moment it is love, connection, health and warmth. Warmth, warmth, warmth.

I feel so cold and empty. I crave the warmth in my heart and warmth in my belly. I have gratitude for the food that nourishes my body and warms my belly. I have gratitude for all the love and hugs that warm my heart. I have gratitude for myself for allowing time to heal my body, listening to it when I need to rest and grieve.

I have gratitude in the sorrow…for it shows me the beauty in feeling the love and laughter around me.

I have gratitude for my husband for he works so hard to provide for us so that we can live in our house. He brings a smile to my face and we fill our house with love and laughter. He is my foundation, my constant, even on the darkest days he is my home.

I have gratitude in the silence from those who I love. For they do not have words of comfort but I know the love is there.

I have gratitude for the women who came before me, the ones who share their stories of loss and grief. The ones who were strong and brave, kept going despite wanting to give up. I will honor and share my story along side of theirs. For the ones who stayed silent and did not tell their stories, who experienced this painful sorrow alone, you are seen and held with love.

There is so much to be grateful for the list is never ending. In this season of darkness and sorrow I feel the warmth of the light guiding me to brighter days even if it is slow.

-Kaelyn

November 11, 2025